i can't believe i had my finger in that
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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