i permit you to call me
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
