He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
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