I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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