u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
