woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
