I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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