Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
