he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
