the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
