White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
