I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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