just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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