history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
