Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize