just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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