So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
