Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
