I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
