Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
