found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
