You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
