I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
