I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
