Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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