see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
