I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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