Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
