I wish my penis had an off switch
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
