I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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