PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
