so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
