dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
