I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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