im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Mom said you looked used
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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