dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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