Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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