My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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