I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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