Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
