Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
