my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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