new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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