i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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