Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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