Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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