so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I think i got beer on your cat.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
