Umm I'm too high to move.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
