Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
In America we eat man semen.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i want to swaddle you in tequila
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
