Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
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His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
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I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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