She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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