unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
