stop calling my apartment porn island.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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