I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
